She has a brain tumour, this is where I will begin…. it’s the only way I know how to start.
Staring at this page there are so many things I need to write, and yet my mind is blank. My head is full of pictures, music, moments I have shared all because of her, and yet I still can’t find the words………..
She is my beginning……. the first page of my book, my guidance, my best friend, my inspiration.
The most courageous woman I have ever met, the gentlest soul I have ever known……
She is my mother.
I sat on her bed, and we talked for 8 hours of everyday I was there.
She looked so small, her skin softened by the hospital lights……. her hair loose like a child’s. I couldn’t remember her looking so young. She was beautiful, even now at her most fragile, and it was ripping me apart.
They say the cancer came from her breast – a nine year battle she had fought and won. We never expected this, we thought she was clear………..
The drugs slow her down, and the tumour affects her sight.
We laughed about sharing her pills. I needed something to take this reality away, to make this bad dream blur…..to hold myself together, so she wouldn’t see my fear.
I washed her on the Wednesday, as gently as I could.
The body that bore me.
The hands that held me
The arms that carried me as a child.
My clothes were soaked, we used six towels …….. we laughed again.
I dried her hair and put her earrings in, its funny…she looked so well.
I need to take this from her,
I need to make it stop.
If I could take the force of the blow I would.
Let me protect her.
Let me hold her hands, and take it on.
But I can’t…..I can’t…… I can only sit, wait, and hope.
These pictures are for her, they have kept me sane.
Maybe its my way of running away, maybe I felt it was the only way I could express how I feel……. I don’t know anymore. &
#160;
When we were in the hospital I told her about my photos, and how it moves me to take them, – so I decided to take some for her………….
So she can escape those hospital walls……………..
And walk with me in the sunlight, in my favourite forest…… and together we can forget all that is happening around us.
‘And I’ve leaned on you for years,
Now you can lean on me.
An that’s more than love, thats the way it should be.
Now I can’t change the way you think,
But I can put my arms around you
That’s just part of the deal,
That’s the way I feel,
I put my arms around you.
I stand in front of you
Take the force of the blow
Protection…’
(Massive Attack / Protection.)
I said a prayer for you, the only way I know how.
To do something that would make you smile, and see that this is about hope.
I walked barefoot through a stream,
12 wishes in my hand.
In afternoon sunlight, I held my breath and let them fly………………
Each one a promise, a fragment of my heart.
Make her well……….
Make her new……..
Make it stop………..
Make it stop………
Make it stop.
Your blood runs through my veins,
Your imagination rooted in my heart.
A believer in beauty,
A conjurer of stories,
A creative soul incarnate in this flesh,
Who taught my thoughts fly…..
I dream in colour because of you,
Because of you, my spirit is free.
**** 1/5/08………….. I wanted to add a special note for the people who have sent me private messages because of this Post. ‘Don’t stop song writing’, ‘Literaturicide’ – You are so kind, your words meant a great deal, thank you It meant so much to have your offers of help. ‘Jeeps’ – Nothing I can write here can possibly even compare to what you wrote, you broke my heart… You are a very brave person…. bless you, my love and prayers to you…. and thank you, I cant say enough……
*** 4/5/08 …… Some more thank yous to ‘threehourtour’ and Gavin…………. once again i’m speechless at the deeply personal and touching emails you have sent me…. thank you so much i’m truely moved.
***……… an extremely big mention to Uchujin (from flickr)…….. You are not alone, my thoughts are with you, please be brave and contact me when ever you need to. Thinking of you and your mum.xxxxxxx